I’m kinda buzzed right now. I’m alone in my hotel room in the middle of Arizona past midnight typing this shit cuz I just feel like doing it. And man, it’s been a while.
I’m currently at the tail end of a 11-day-long young adults group tour of some national parks, from Yosemite to Zion to later the Grand Canyon. Only guy on the trip, which is cool. We did a stop by Vegas, too, where things got wild.
A lot of firsts for me. First time grilling. First time in a jacuzzi. First time barhopping. First time a hot girl started hugging and grinding and kissing all over my face all night (though I didn’t reciprocate because I knew she was only doing this from the alcohol). Like I said, Vegas was wild.
So many memories I’ve made. But my favorite one is hiking alone with this cute, blonde girl in my group (not the same one) at Bryce Canyon, almost as if we were a couple, after days of teasing each other and walking alongside each other. I just felt this gravity toward her this whole time, and maybe she did, too. Sometimes it felt she was paying attention to whatever I was doing and where I was walking. The way she seems to laugh at not just my jokes but simple things that aren’t even funny – like forgetting my hotel key card – I mean, damn, the way she smiles and how her eyes kinda crinkle up is cute. She’s hot, too.
The fact she was willing to spend that time alone with me away from the rest of the group – even though she has a boyfriend – spoke volumes to me. Yes, that’s a big “even though.” And no, I don’t plan on being a home wrecker.
The other girls, most of whom aren’t single, made an effort to not hang alone around me for too long. But she didn’t care. She liked being around me. And I liked being around her. At least for a day, people thought we were a couple and I was on cloud nine.
But what am I to kid myself. She’s taken. She’s comfortable around me, but that’s it – just as a friend at most, I bet. And in a few days, I’m back to my normal self doomed to be single for the rest of my life.
Sigh.
I mean, I have stuff going on in my life. The bigger context is this vacation is happening right before I leave my current job in Ohio to start another one, for which I’ll have to move to Sacramento next year. I just can’t believe I’m heading back to California.
I mean, I was planning to leave already – just later in another six months to go to grad school and leave journalism completely. But this opportunity came up, and maybe it’s God’s sign to give journalism one more chance – with better pay and not with a daily newspaper. I could go on and gripe about my current job right now, but I’ll spare you the details.
But that’s the problem: I just don’t feel excited about it like how I’m supposed to. The pay is way better, the company is very reputable, I’m closer to family, etc. I’m doing what I’m supposed to do – moving up the pay scale and career ladder, and doing it way faster than normal.
Which is great. But I don’t care.
At this point, it’ll be third time I’m moving again and will have to make new friends in just three years. I feel like I’m doing the strokes without actively swimming toward the other side of the pool. I just…. don’t really care about my life or my future. I’m just taking that higher salary to make myself as comfortable as i can in the time I have left on this earth.
What I really want is someone to grow up with. A committed girlfriend. A wife. Just at least one women to show some interest in me as a potential partner. So I know that when my parents eventually die, I’ll still have a family. All my friends come and go, but a partner is one who will stick with you. I know I can be a worthy partner, but society just won’t give this Asian kid a chance.
So I’ve given up on that happening after waiting for six years. I’ve given up on God because of that. And I’ve given up on my life.
I’m just walking through the water, wondering when it’ll get deep enough so I can finally close my eyes and dream of her, that cute blonde, cracking a laugh at me for me just being who I am.
Whatever Comes To Mind 