My Struggle

As you probably noticed, I haven’t been blogging much. And so I am here to explain why- I have lost my motivation to blog. Really, I feel I have lost my motivation to do anything in life.

Before, I was a happy person. I learned for the fun of it. I felt smart, I felt confident, and I felt I could achieve anything in life as long as I worked hard and tried. This was the Titus that I was before.

Now, if anything, I wish I never had this happy past. You see it is sadder to see a great man fall then to see a person who has been failed all his life. That is why all tragedies have a tragic hero who experiences a reversal of fortune. And sadly, I feel I am the tragic hero of my own story.

I don’t know what specifically happened. All I know is, for one thing, I became increasingly dumber. I remember how before, I was quick to catch up on things. I learned quick and I loved it. But gradually, I have come to the state where I’m slow now. I can’t seem to think as well, and upon seeing what has happened to me, I am discouraged to think again. I feel as if my IQ decreased, and I can’t do anything to stop this downward trajectory. It’s almost as if I had a curse on my brain.

My love for learning quickly disappeared along with this. Before, I learned because I was passionate about the subjects. But one by one, this passion started disappearing. First, math. Next, science. Even literature, my love in life, I am sad to say it’s slowly dying away, too. And I’m looking at all of this, and it saddens me. It’s as if seeing a bright yellow flower with a potential to bloom suddenly go dark, petals falling off, and then shrivel up and die. Because now, I feel like I’m dragging my way through school everyday. I am only learning so I can get the grades.

Besides all this, I guess the most important thing that changed is my general emotional state. Everyday, I feel tired and sad. I try to be happy, but I just cannot. Because everything reminds me of my downfall. Of my once wonderful past, now doomed present. I wish I can still return to what I used to be, but that’s impossible. I’m stuck with this fate of failure. And I have accepted it.

So now what I live through everyday is this struggle against this fate. To deal with it. It’s hard battling against this dark cloak that seems to swallow up the sun, but nevertheless I try. I try just living through it. Just letting it take away the light from me and not making a big deal of it.

Yet, sadly, I still take it as a big deal, even though I try to let it go. I still feel that society as a whole thinks me a pathetic being who used to be great. And, sadly I am. Maybe I’m imagining things, but this is what I see.

A friend of mine later became sad himself, too, because of my depression. And it makes me depressed that I made him sad. So everyday, another part of my struggle is pretending to be happy. Pretending not to care. But it’s hard masking these feelings that are eating at my soul and heart everyday.

What makes me sadder is this girl. She’s the most beautiful thing or person or entity in this world. She’s like a god. But she’s pushed me back and sees me as a friend, and I know I have to accept that. And it makes me sad that I can never be with her, that I’m not good enough for her. Again, I’ve fallen.

And my family life. I never feel truly happy with my family. But I remember I used to.

Some people have asked me to don’t commit suicide, because I have had these thoughts before a long time ago. And of course I won’t. But I scoff at them, because I am already dead. Inside.

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6 thoughts on “My Struggle

  1. I think you mentioned in a previous post that you’re a sophomore? Or maybe a junior now?

    It probably has to do a lot with the toxic environment that you’re in. In one post you mentioned that you were sick and tired of people not being curious about things until they were about to be tested on them – I can relate. So much! Other than my close friends, not many people seemed to possess an innate curiosity and going to school for the results (good grades), not their self-development (actually learning things). High schools are just cesspools of hormonal mood swings and poor, poor choices.

    Once you get to college, and especially a college that fits you, it gets so much better. Much, much better. People who actually love learning, who have dining table discussions about philosophers! People who aren’t afraid to ask questions! Hold on, you’ve almost graduated!

    Oh, crushes. I can also relate. But surely you don’t expect to be ready for a relationship in high school? To be happy with another person you’ve got to be happy with yourself first. You might not feel good enough now, but you will change and one day you’ll see that you’re good enough for anyone.

  2. Life has a treasured definition. Living isn’t just having a beating heart, it isn’t just about breathing this amount of oxygen, it isn’t about eating just the right amount of food a day. Living has an abstract meaning, an abstract definition, a definition that you can’t exactly put into words.

    Life is happiness. The first day you walked. The first day you jumped into the ice cold swimming pool. The first day you won your first chess game. The first day you discovered the magic of science. The first day you get your first “A”. I’d say these are the happiest moments in our lives. These are the moments we will treasure forever. But we have to remember that this is our past. These events are nothing more than mere memory in roaring abyss of metaphysical projections.

    Life is disappointments. You have some moments of failure. The first time you failed to understand a topic you thought you were good at. That time when you were picked last for the basketball team. The first time you lost a chess match. These times probably hurt the most and these are the times you probably want to forget. But I argue to never to do this. I’d say remember your failures, remember those times which you fell and use it to propel you forward.

    Life is redemption. I’d say these are the most important memories to have. These are your most proud achievements, your most treasured times, your most shining moments. But in order to have redemption you must have had happiness and disappointments. You see, redemption simply cannot exist without the other-you must know sadness before true happiness.

    So I’ve read your blog Titus. I know that maybe your friends may seem sad right now, but covering it up will only make things worse. If things become that bad, talk to the counselors at your school, they really try to help you (I had the same problem). Listen Titus, it may seem that the world you once loved is falling apart, you think you lack knowledge, you think your one and only love does not love you back, you think that I must suffer through this alone. I’ll tell you you do not. You have friends, true friends that are willing to help you. You have teachers that probably have gone through the same things as you when they were young. You have team members that are willing to listen and help you out. I just want to say that I know you. I know you from school. I know you from our activities together. You are this bright, shy boy standing on the sidelines…waiting. You seem confined to a certain space, you hold yourself back in public, and you lack initiative. But at the same time, I can see you have so much potential in you. Just from reading your blogs, I see so much in you that you never show in public. You are amazingly smart (hacking refrigerators, your love poems, you life philosophies), you have this unquenching thirst for knowledge, which I envy, and you have this undying passion to do good in your life, which I respect. And to tell you the truth, high school doesn’t really highlight those things. They try to (you have to give them some credit) create clubs and events for you to explore without any grade expectations: Physics Team, Solar Cup, Science Olympiad, Leo Club, Key Club. Every single one of these clubs are out there for you to explore and expand your world. I know that you are feeling down right now. I know that you say you worry that you seem “dumber” now then you did then, but believe me EVERYONE does, including me. The subjects get harder as you progress in life, the challenges that come in the future will only be more difficult, but don’t worry! Life arms you will so many tools for you to defeat these challenges. Sophomore year I was taking physics, I understood everything up to a point, then every collapsed. I didn’t understand what was going on anymore no matter how much I struggled. I found it so difficult I wanted to quit, I wanted to give up. But then I found a group of students just like myself, and you know what? We gathered ourselves and formed a study group. Every week before the test, and every three days before the test, we would gather and study for hours. We would help each other, we would laugh together, we would struggle together. Finding people like this is truly one of happiest moments of my life. These new friends of mine understood my struggles, understood my pains, and, most importantly, helped me through it. So it’s a given that the subjects you tackle will start to get harder, it’s a given that obstacles you face will only get scarier, it’s a given that your heart will shatter a little, but don’t worry; how we arise from the ashes is what most defines us. So charge forward Titus, expand your world, make new friends, build new things, explore more places, explore more realms, conquer lands you thought were impossible before, broaden your senses, and LIVE ON!

    Listen up Titus:

    “The world ends with you. If you want to enjoy life, expand your world. You gotta push your horizons out as far as they’ll go.”
    — Sanae Hanekoma, The World Ends With You

    From,
    A Team Member, A friend, A follower.

  3. Titus, because you are in the thick of it- going through depression as you write about it, you have captured it brilliantly. As I read your post, I was transported back 2.5 years when I was diagnosed with post-natal depression (same feelings, just triggered differently). Writing can be so cathartic- can I encourage you to reach out to your blog community, even if you don’t yet have the courage to open up to people you see in person. Also, the best thing I did was (finally) trust my doctor and go on a low dose of antidepressants, which make the chemical that I lack to help stabilize my moods (I am on Lexapro and it’s brilliant). It took about 2 weeks to really kick in and 3 months till I felt much improved, but it was so worth it. There’s no shame in it, and only those closest to you need know.
    Regarding the girl- it is so vital that you don’t pin your future happiness on a person or a thing- you will always wind up hurt and disappointed. Allow yourself to heal and when you least expect it, the most beautiful love of your life will come to you and you will be able to love her in a healthy way, not expecting her to fill a void in your life, but as a whole person, you will be able to love another whole person and come together in a stable relationship.

  4. I only stumbled upon this blog in looking for an analysis of Tolstoy’s “After the Dance” and being pleased with your post on it I next stumbled upon this post. I must say those feelings of ennui are very easy to relate to. In fact I myself was only recently lead to reading Tolstoy as an attempt to overcome a failed relationship. I’ve been attempting to distract myself from the reality by throwing my passion into literature and learning & as a result, my interest in other things (socializing and sports) has waned to the point that I wonder if I’m depressed. The things I used to be passionate about or at least thoroughly enjoy seem to only deliver happiness with diminishing returns. I say all this to say, however, that developing a new passion (in literature) has lead me to a better understanding of myself and I now embrace these feelings of impotency (in the realm of intellect) or dispassionate detachment because I appreciate that in struggling it is inescapable to struggle, but through struggle we develop strength, character, and perspective. I hope through enduring your struggle you gain the strength to improve your own happiness as well as those around you.

    -another person

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